5 Ways Mindfulness Can Improve Your Relationships

Dr. John Townsend

September 24, 2018

Mindfulness is an attitude to living that helps you be more open, compassionate, and self-aware. It involves deliberately directing your attention away from autopilot and negative, judging thoughts, allowing you to be more present and connected to whatever is happening right now.

It’s not a big stretch to imagine that more mindful people might make better relationship partners. Below are five brain-based ways practicing mindfulness may help you have happier and healthier relationships.

5 Ways Mindfulness Can Improve Your Relationships

Mindfulness helps us be more present and attentive. Most of us know how frustrating it can be to try to talk to a partner who is regularly checking email or texts or whose attention is always on work worries. Mindfulness changes areas of the brain associated with directing attention and focus. Therefore, it can help us notice when we are on autopilot and redirect attention to whatever our partner is saying or to what they may be feeling and needing. This can help us be more loving and present in our relationships, which builds intimacy and makes our relationships happier and more connected.

Mindfulness lowers negative emotional reactivity. Mindfulness studies show that practicing mindfulness for 8 to 10 weeks changes the brain’s emotion regulation areas. The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped part of the midbrain that hijacks the brain into “fight, flight, freeze” mode in which we start to see our partners as threats to our wellbeing or autonomy and automatically shut down emotionally or start to attack them with angry words and deeds. Mindfulness shrinks the volume of the amygdala, meaning that it has less power to hijack us into ‘threat” mode. This can help couples get out of negative cycles of destructive arguing or emotional distancing.

 

5 Ways Being Mindful Can Improve Your Relationships

 

Mindfulness improves emotion regulation. Studies show that mindfulness practice strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and amygdala. The prefrontal cortex is the brain’s executive center, and it can send a message to the amygdala telling it that things are ok and it can chill and stop the “fight, flight, freeze” response. So even when we do start to lose it or walk away from our partners when they are in the middle of talking, we are able to say “Stop! This is not helpful” and thereby stop ourselves from going down a relationship rabbit hole.

Mindfulness enhances self-awareness. Mindfulness also leads to changes in the anterior cingulate cortex, which is associated with our sense of self and emotion regulation. Therefore mindfulness may help us observe when we are acting out in unhealthy ways and redirect attention back to how we’d like to act and what our core values are. This can help us restrain the impulse to act destructively or manipulatively. It may help you get up and do something else when you’re tempted to break into your partner’s computer or stalk them online.

Mindfulness makes us more empathic. Mindfulness also changes the insula, a part of the brain associated with empathy and compassion. This can help us be more understanding of our partners’ perspectives and emotions and feel more compassion for them. When we approach our partners compassionately, rather than with anger and desire to control them, this can take the conversation in a positive direction. Compassion also helps us express love and warmth to our partner, which builds intimacy. Mindfulness creates an approach, rather than an avoidance mindset.

Following are two questions to ask yourself when you are considering how mindful you are being in your daily life.

  1. What are the distractions you feel you have when socializing or connecting to those around you? Analyze if you need to draw digital boundaries to be more present.
  2. Reflect on the last conflict and analyze if you were genuinely being mindful in your responses or interaction? If you weren’t, how will you change it next time?

 

5 Ways Being Mindful Can Improve Your Relationships

Related Articles

NYT: How to Set Pandemic Boundaries for Relatives

NYT: How to Set Pandemic Boundaries for Relatives

Dr. Townsend had the privilege of being interviewed for this informative and timely article by the New York Times. Article Excerpt: Be a conduit, not a lifeline ... "When you feel overwhelmed, Dr. Townsend recommends that you create a list of all of your...

read more